Use Your Words

When I was younger, a friend used to tell his son to use his words. The toddler would cry, point, and whine when he was trying to communicate something, and his dad, would say, ”Use your words.”  When I started having kids, I began to say the same thing. We want our kids to be able to express themselves. And, we want them to do it using words. We are trying to encourage them to move out of that baby stage and into the big boy and big girl stage. Fundamentally, though, when you think about it, how often do we really use our words?  

Communication is key.   My kids use “like” all the time, as did I (and still do, if I'm honest). We counted one time and in a one minute conversation,  my 11yo used like like twenty-one times (see?).  This is an intelligent kid who clearly ranks at the top of his class, but he can’t always find the words he wants. I myself drive my friends crazy, because I don’t always use my words. I say things like, “you know,” or “like” or “uh.”  I do this for a few reasons: 

1. I’m multitasking, and my full attention is not on the conversation. Therefore, I’m using fillers to move my thoughts along; not fair to the other person at all.
2. I’m having emotional thoughts that I can’t articulate well quickly and, because I like to move quickly and swiftly through conversations, I use fillers instead of words that will actually move the conversation along.
3.  I’m having emotional thoughts that, for whatever reason, I don’t want to articulate, so I use fillers to gloss over how I’m really feeling. 
4. I’m completely uninterested in the conversation and am just responding with idle nothings to just be done. Again, not fair. 

Is this you?  Well, I’m a firm believer in consistent, effective verbal communication.  Not to discount the nonverbal; it matters, just not in this context. Using your words ensures that you’re getting across clear messages, and people don’t have to fill in the blanks or assume the finish.  Let's be honest: we hate it when people finish our sentences, and/or complete our thoughts, incorrectly a lot of times.  But, the fact of the matter is that if we would just spit it out, they wouldn't have to.  Have you ever had conversations like this:

Them: “So, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  Thoughts?”

Me: “Yeah, sounds good, and so uh, we should just, you know, uh yeah.  Cool.” 

Them: "Great."

One week later:

Them: "I went ahead and did blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."  

Me: "What?  Why?"

Them: "Well, we talked about it and you seemed to be on board."

Me: "Did I SAY I was in Board?"

Them: "Well, yeah.  Pretty much.  You said, 'Cool.'"

Me: "I'm pretty sure I didn't say that."  But, in the back of my head, "Frick!"

I clearly wasn't paying attention, and I did not effectively communicate what I really wanted. Happens to me more often than I'd like to admit.  So, I lost that battle.  Me, 0.  Them, 1.  You win this round, Simpson. (That's a Simpsons reference, for all you Millenials out there). 

Using your words solves a whole host of communication challenges. So, let’s look at ways to execute flawlessly on that. 

• Really think through what you want to say. If you’re doing something else, put it down for a minute. If you can’t, push the conversation off until you can give it your undivided (or not completely divided) attention. Give yourself the time to process what was said to you, and what you need and want to say back. If it makes you uncomfortable to say it, say, “I’m not comfortable saying how I feel.” At least the other person knows you can communicate it, you just don’t want to. 
• Once you’ve done that, say it back in your head. Make sure it makes sense.
• Now, say it! 

Once you start enforcing these steps, then you're on your way to more effective communication. Your circle will thank you. Comment below on how this helps you.  I'd love to hear your thoughts.  For more quick tips, follow me on IG (if you didn't do this earlier) and FB @michelletaylorwillis!  Talk soon!